Is Marriage Necessary ?

Over the last 20 years well wishers have tried to persuade me to tie the knot - the arguments are often along similar lines "You need to have someone who cares for you", "You cannot live alone", "Man (and woman) is a social animal" - the last one being my favorite, a direct transplant from the Civics syllabus in the 4th standard. Those arguments failed to make me give any significant thought to the topic.

All that changed yesterday, when my young niece asked if marriage was necessary ?

Clearly, if one was to look at my life as an example, probably not. But as some good friends remind me - I am hardly the appropriate role model. And so I thought about it as I sat in conference calls, and as I cooked, did laundry, and as I went about my business in the peaceful, solitary confines of my home. Is marriage necessary ?

And so I asked myself why do people get married ? In a hair-raising moment, I was transported back to my Moral Science class at Carmel Convent - the Moral Science text book published by the McMillan press that have left such an indelible imprint on my mind. "Because it is the only way a man and a woman can be together" came back the answer. In 2009, that moral science text seems rather naive,

Why does society want people to get married ? Generically, without considering local customs and mores, it would be to provide a stable, orderly environment in which people procreated, and so that children were raised in a nurturing environment.

And that got me thinking of a young woman I had met in Paris - about 20 years ago. She had decided to have a child out of wedlock, because she really wanted to have a child but was not ready to commit to marriage. When I saw her living in her own apartment, raising her child by herself, I realized that I could atleast take care of myself. That is what had given me the strength to go out and get my own apartment. Marie's children were raised in a nurturing environment - grandparents, uncles, aunts, even a father - except he did not live in the same house. They are grewing up to be great kids. So clearly marriage was not necessary to raise children in a nurturing environment.

In modern day United States and many other western countries, where society does not require people to get married to either live together or have children, people are still getting married. In the United States - it is expected that once a daughter grows up, she gets a job, and establishes her own home - with or without a husband.

And yet people continue to get married.. In fact the gay community is pushing to legalize same sex marriage, so even more people can participate in the institution of marriage. Why ?

Because for the most part, people here get married because they want to, because they love someone so much, that they want to spend the rest of their lives with the other person. And many of them stay married for a very long time. Others live together for the same reason, and avoid getting married to deny Uncle Sam the opportunity to take more of their money.

Aha - says the young niece - but I am neither in the United States, nor am I in love. Is marriage necessary for me ?

When my parents got married 60 years ago, women did not have much of a choice in the matter. Girls were married very young - 11, 13 - my mother was married just before her 21st birthday. After independence the government set a minimum age requirement - girls had to be at least 18 before they could be married.

Perhaps it is the only reason so many women of my generation got to go to college.. they were just too young to be married, and you couldn't have them sitting at home all day. Most got married within a year or two of graduating from college. Very few of them found their own partners. The rest all had arranged marriages.

In recent years, Indian urban society has become more accepting of career women. More and more single women are opting for higher education and working. Several are doing very well for themselves. I remember reading an article in an Indian newspaper that talked about how these women had to "dumb down" so that they would not scare away a marriage prospect.... It also mentioned that more and more women were opting to remain single because they found it easier to pursue their career that way.

As an employer of women in North India, I acquired new insights into how life for a traditional Indian career woman was very different from that of one in the United States. And how different her life was compared to that of her husbands. While the husband worked late at the office, and sometimes weekends and workdays, the woman was also required to keep the household running and the kids taken care of. Sure they had help, and often there were in-laws around to share the load. But it was as one of my colleagues advised a group of women - "If you want to have a successful career, you need to first go and enroll your mother in law in your cause". Because if she supports your career - then the house will run well, and the kids will be fed and she will be proud of you. But if she doesn't like what you do - your life will be hell. You know better than to expect your husband to help you around the house (it was a male colleague delivering this advice) or with calming his mother down. It is upto you and you alone.

And yet, as a rule, women in India also tend to get married. Singlehood is the exception rather than the rule - and the majority of society still struggles with understanding how to deal with a single woman.

Choosing to remain single in this environment, is like trying to stop the tide. Many think about it,but very few have actually done it. Why ?

First of all - that is what you are raised to believe - everybody gets married. Being single is "strange" and like being an outcast.

Second - that is what your mother and her entire peer group expect of you. They truly believe that that is the only way in which you can be happy. Indeed getting a daughter married is considered a sacred duty, the execution of kanya daan being a special privilege. This is a very powerful force to reckon with.

Third - Indian joint families will look after a grown up spinster. But unless it is a very special family , before she knows it, she goes from being the revered aunt to the one that is consuming more than her rightful share of space, food and air. The amount of tolerance meted out to her will frequently be in line with her financial contribution to the joint family within which she lives. In this respect, spinster aunts are no different from anyone else in the family that does not contribute, for power has a funny way of sticking with the money. And oh by the way, joint families will rarely tolerate disrespect of social customs such as having a child out of wedlock - so forget about having a child if you decide you don't want to get married.

So why does an educated, well employed woman get married ? After all isn't she just committing herself to a harder life ? Because in Indian society, that is still the only socially acceptable way of having children. Because they actually do fall in love with someone enough to want to formally commit to live with them for the rest of their lives, in a manner that their parents would find acceptable. Because it is far more fun to live with someone than to live alone. Because even these smart women are "social animals" and marriage is the fastest way in which you magically double the size of your family. Because once you take the plunge and start swimming, you want all your other friends in the water with you, so you tell them its a good thing. Because they studied Moral Science for 10 years and at an impressionable age. Because an Indian wedding is one of the most spectacular pageants you could ever be part of. Because they want to have someone to grow old with. Because their mother says they HAVE to.